My framework on comprehending this outside of therapeutic modalities (you could pick up the Motivational Interviewing book) is based on my specialization in addiction (which was the basis for a lot of these subjective therapies on change). This video is something I send to people struggling with change all the time (it’s long but the meat is really from like minute 16 or so to 43, or something along those lines). Even though it uses addiction and AA as the basis, it’s generalizable to the idea of finite will power and explains why we can’t individually pull ourselves up or sustain change without proper supports, using psychology and research. There are naturally other handicaps (the enigmatic disease element, mental health, etc.) but this video refrains from those specifications which help make this universally applicable.AWA wrote: ↑Sun May 17, 2020 6:03 pmVery interesting comments, thank you taking the time to share that. I would love to know more about that as it has been a burden I've have to wrestle with my whole life. When relationships are ending, I know they are - I can read all the signs, I know this is no longer healthy, this is getting worse, I need to get away from this person, etc - but I can't bring myself to make the break. As a result I linger too long in something that ended before and it has become toxic to both of us and I try to find ways to correct what can't be corrected before I finally leave (or am left, which hurts more).therewillbeblus wrote: ↑Sun May 17, 2020 10:54 amGreat exchange. I’ve been banging this drum (sometimes exhaustively) here on this forum for a while, but modern therapies (specifically subjective, client-centered ones) like Motivational Interviewing live by the mantra that change is hard for all people; in many instances the most challenging thing we can do. Sometimes we can will ourselves to change, but as mostly emotional beings, who operate in cognitive spaces (and that includes folks who test logic-heavy on Meyers Briggs, etc) we continue to make choices and take actions (including non-actions, often) that feed into fear, doubt, insecurity, anxieties.
Woody is an anxious person so that can contribute, but just generally many (most, all?) people have to suppress some realities in order to cope with their situations. I’ve stayed in way too many jobs and relationships that were just plain not healthy or safe due to the complex psychological processes that need to occur to move someone into sustained awareness of the need to change. Change disrupts one’s predictability, the rooted dynamics of roles, relationships, and other systems. Since people have finite will power, when in certain intense situations they wind up using up all of their energy just keeping their heads above water.
It’s a really fascinating phenomenon, and while I reject reading this truth as a cop-out into complacency, or an excuse into not taking responsibility, on the other hand it’s scientifically proven that people cannot independently pull themselves up by their emotional bootstraps to issue change left and right effortlessly like a superhero. Even making the step from the unaware pre-contemplation stage into the aware contemplation stage in Prochaska‘s stages of change model, let alone maintaining or progressing, is a feat. And of course, like all psychological theories that give attention to the emotional sides of us, it’s not a linear process (for example, how many times have I maintained independence from a toxic relationship only to revert back and suppress my awareness of this as a problem; or how many times have I quit smoking only to revert back to the behavior and forget the reasons why I stopped- if we had to cope on a constant basis with pulsing awareness of our unhealthy choices, we’d go insane- so in a sense the parts of our brain that defend against this constant self-flagellation are helping us too, while also stunting that capacity for change. It’s a grey system.)
No exaggeration: this video changed my life as far as how I view what our capabilities are and what we need to be successful. Most importantly I think it helps us understand the “why” you mention to halt us from shaming ourselves, yet doesn’t diffuse responsibility either, and provides tools and blueprints for empowerment. Anyways, check it out.