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Real dross is Michelangelo Antonioni's The Passenger...

The reviewer doesn't seem like a complete idiot, he uses proper sentence and everything, but then falls into the "I didn't like it but I'm right and therefore everyone else is wrong" school of film criticism.

You get a lot of this with Antonioni.

Like Dan Schneider's review of L'Avventura.

kinjitsu wrote:Michael, it's an old forum joke.

Ah. So it is.

Dan Schneider wrote:I wish some of the money spent on the restoration could have been used to hire competent actors to dub the film into English. No DVD of quality should lack this feature.

ding ding ding, we have a winner

This thread, and the discovery that one of the faculty at the college I work for has read one of my ancient Amazon reviews, has made me go through and delete most of them.

kinjitsu wrote:

MichaelB wrote:Would the person who retitled this thread care to take another look at what it's currently called? If only to avoid redicule?

Michael, it's an old forum joke.

Shouldn't it read "Rediculous Costumer & Critic Reviews?"

don't ask me why i was on the amazon page for "National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj," but this is what i found:

Ahead of it's time,
Reviewer: A customer
When I first saw this movie on American Movie Classics I thought-Oh no-another dated melodrama. I was wrong. This movie grabbed me as none has since Roots. Indeed it is an epic film. It was delightful to see many of the stars of that era showcased in a powerful and interesting story. This is a story stong on action and romance. The actors deliver. The bad guys are reeeally bad. The heroines beautiful and tragic and the heroes doomed. Sound like real life? Wash away your troubles in this fine film-enjoy

scalesojustice wrote:don't ask me why i was on the amazon page for "National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj," but this is what i found:

Ahead of it's time,
Reviewer: A customer
When I first saw this movie on American Movie Classics I thought-Oh no-another dated melodrama. I was wrong. This movie grabbed me as none has since Roots. Indeed it is an epic film. It was delightful to see many of the stars of that era showcased in a powerful and interesting story. This is a story stong on action and romance. The actors deliver. The bad guys are reeeally bad. The heroines beautiful and tragic and the heroes doomed. Sound like real life? Wash away your troubles in this fine film-enjoy

That ambiguous review is most certainly not for Van Wilder 2.

My favorite amazon review is for Fences the Pulitzer prize winning play by August Wilson.

Ryan Michel
Mr. Cawn
Sophomore lit

I thought this book was good because it related life to baseball. This book started off slow like most books, but then it got better. It was kind of hard to read because of the improper English and the slang termination. I liked how that the book was related to my life, because I love baseball. You would too if you play baseball or was a baseball player. I did not understand why they called it fences. I think they could have named the book something different, or emphasized the fences part. This book was good, but it got kind of confusing reading it by my self and not as a play. I would recommend reading this book as a class or with a group of people but I would have to worn you, it uses the "N" bomb a lot."

If he did do it for an assigment I hope he failed, failed miserably. How could he miss why they called it Fences, and I just assume he didn't read it, but even so. Christ he wrote it as if he were a 6th grader.

Saarijas wrote:If he did do it for an assigment I hope he failed, failed miserably. How could he miss why they called it Fences, and I just assume he didn't read it, but even so. Christ he wrote it as if he were a 6th grader.

At least he got most of his "termination" right.

This one is amazing. Let's play a game. Guess what film this RottenTomatoes blurb is for, then highlight the spoiler text to be schooled in astonishment.

Spoiler

TMNT

Following up on The Host thread, I've found Armond's kindred spirit, and he works for the Richmond Times-Dispatch:

Writer-director Bong Joon-ho tries to keep the tone light, or at least confusing, with his use of comedy that just feels inappropriate. Slapstick in a horror film can't possibly work (unless you're Abbott and Costello, and rarely then), and the other jokes are equally out of place.

To be fair, Armond probably has better way with words, but then he didn't come up with "Codzilla" or "Seoul food."

domino harvey wrote:Guess what film this RottenTomatoes blurb is for

I Google-cheated.

domino harvey wrote:This one is amazing. Let's play a game. Guess what film this RottenTomatoes blurb is for, then highlight the spoiler text to be schooled in astonishment.

I jokingly guessed to myself and was sad when I was right.

cdnchris wrote:I jokingly guessed to myself and was sad when I was right.

Say that again after you've seen it. It rocks harder than the Flavor of Green Tea Over Rice!

Speaking of Triumph of the Will, I was reading a review of Reifenstahl's The Holy Mountain on IMDb, and one person wrote:

"Basically it is a mellow drama."

I'm going to have to start using that.

Here's one I just couldn't resist posting. For Bart Freundlich's Myth of Fingerprints:

Reviewer: Michael Bolts (superior, wiusa) - See all my reviews
lots of love making in this one. Wyle gives a great role as the son of a father and their lives arent really great as Wyle comes back after he is gone for awhile. Roy Schider is great too as Wyle's dad. people will note if there Alias fans that Michael Vartan of Alias is in this movie. powerful piece with some dry emotions.

"The son of a father". That's got to be some kind of new standard setter.

he does a review of a movie that contains moving pictures and sound quite well for a reviewer.

Review for Walking Tall 2: The Payback at IMDB.com:

almost film-noir movie, 16 March 2007

Author: albrit from Russian Federation

So, what I gotta say. There were three movies named "walking tall" back to the 70's, dedicated the cherished memory of Sheriff Buford Pusser, God bless his soul. Good old touching movies. And there was a re-make of Walking Tall in 2004, that one with some guy called "The Rock" playing main character (one of the worst movies I ever saw). So, after watching this movie of 2007 I have to say that it's a even a greater pity that movie with "The Rock" guy was ever created. Because only THIS one could be called as a worthy continuer of "Walking Tall" series. It has a genuine atmosphere, excellent colors, good acting and a lot of sincerity. It even has some traces of film-noir, and that is especially good. Honest and sincere movie about good and evil ones.

Almost film noir? WTF?

Every positive review of 300

NEXT (imdb)

Completely Unpredictable, 30 April 2007
8/10
Author: springsunnywinter from United Kingdom

Nicolas Cage has proved once again after Ghost Rider that he is a terrific actor and his films are always good. He is certainly one of my favourite actors & the whole film was taken care by him because it is very complicated to act like someone who has the ability to see into the future. The movie had a really good story about Cris Johnson (Nicolas Cage) who can see 2 minutes into the future very clearly and the police needed his help to stop a terrorist attack who had threaten to detonate a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles killing millions of people. The best thing about the film is that you don't know which scene is in the present or the future, so it is completely unpredictable right from start to end. Action was also really good but the film was a bit slow if it picked up the pace then I would of given it a 9 or even a 10 out of 10. Overall 8/10 & Ghost Rider was better!

Poncho Punch wrote:NEXT (imdb)

Completely Unpredictable, 30 April 2007
8/10
Author: springsunnywinter from United Kingdom

Nicolas Cage has proved once again after Ghost Rider that he is a terrific actor and his films are always good. He is certainly one of my favourite actors & the whole film was taken care by him because it is very complicated to act like someone who has the ability to see into the future. The movie had a really good story about Cris Johnson (Nicolas Cage) who can see 2 minutes into the future very clearly and the police needed his help to stop a terrorist attack who had threaten to detonate a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles killing millions of people. The best thing about the film is that you don't know which scene is in the present or the future, so it is completely unpredictable right from start to end. Action was also really good but the film was a bit slow if it picked up the pace then I would of given it a 9 or even a 10 out of 10. Overall 8/10 & Ghost Rider was better!

yet another reason to disregard IMDB's rating system.

The best thing about the film is that you don't know which scene is in the present or the future, so it is completely unpredictable right from start to end.

Ah - the author has clearly seen Wong Kar-Wai's 2046 and confused it with a Nic Cage action flick.

from Amazon.com, regarding Roots:

All Fiction, June 21, 2007
By Billyclo (Philly , PA United States) - See all my reviews

It'd be interesting if slavery ever happened...but it's all made up to make people feel bad. Do we have any real evidence of it happening? No. Any pictures? No.

It's about time people stop acting like this stuff happened

Commander Shears wrote:from Amazon.com, regarding Roots:

All Fiction, June 21, 2007
By Billyclo (Philly , PA United States) - See all my reviews

It'd be interesting if slavery ever happened...but it's all made up to make people feel bad. Do we have any real evidence of it happening? No. Any pictures? No.

It's about time people stop acting like this stuff happened

I'd love to hear this guy's thoughts on Schindler's List.

All Fiction, June 21, 2007
By Billyclo (Philly , PA United States) - See all my reviews

It'd be interesting if slavery ever happened...but it's all made up to make people feel bad. Do we have any real evidence of it happening? No. Any pictures? No.

It's about time people stop acting like this stuff happened

How goddamned ridiculous. (I bet he also doesn't believe in the Holocaust... any pictures... no, probably not... just millions of feet of American/Nazi/British/French film)