Enter if you dare to see a list so macabre and twisted with horror lurking behind every corner. With each title more horrific than the last can you survive the terror that is My Spooktacular Skewering Log of 80s of Madness!:
The Children (Max Kalmanowicz, 1980): What begins as a group of small town doe eyed kids singing "Hail to the Bus Driver" quickly turns to terror as a their afternoon ride drives through a chemical cloud that transforms them into undead monsters who suck the life out of the living with a single burning touch. Initially Sheriff Hart (Gil Rogers) investigates the occurrence as a missing persons case when he discovers the bus sans any occupants. John Freemont (Martin Shakar), the father of one of the little monsters, aids the sheriff in his search, but when the horribly mutilated bodies begin showing up, it becomes clear that something is very wrong. Although the film has some intriguing themes that it could have explored with the industrial accident that birthed the horror, it instead decides to go the route of introducing morally suspect characters and picking them off one by one. Evil children can be a frightening tool in the hands of the right team, but little works here. Supposedly this one was one of the biggest releases of 1980 before settling in to a much deserved obscurity.
Christmas Evil (Lewis Jackson, 1980): Brandon Maggart stars as the criminally insane Christmas loving Harry Stalding who spends Christmas Eve dressed as Santa Claus and alternates between bringing presents to children and killing those on the naughty list. It seems that Harry's problems started early. When he was a boy he witnessed his father dressed as Santa performing cunnilingus on his mother. Somehow this experience, along with his older brother's assertion that Santa isn't real set him off on this path. I watched this one at the recommendation of Domino, and though I can't give it a positive review, it definitely was a more interesting film than either of the
Silent Night, Deadly Night films. Maggart does an fairly decent job occupying his role with the fairly dramatic tonal shifts in his character, but there's not too much of interest plot wise. However, I really dug the ending where...
while his van was being chased by the police Harry hit a ramp and began flying away a la Santa's slay to the sound of jingling bells.
City of the Living Dead (Lucio Fulci, 1980): Fulci's Gates of Hell trilogy starts off here, examining the story of a town haunted by the suicide of a priest. It seems that when he hanged himself, the priest deconsecrated the cemetery where he did the act, and opened a portal to Hell in his crypt. Soon the town of Dunwich (gee, where have I heard of that one before?) is overrun with slow moving undead who are there merely to murder the living. I have to say that I dug this one more than I did the middle part of the trilogy,
The Beyond, though I can't exactly say why.
Dark Night of the Scarecrow (Frank De Felitta, 1981): In one of the most popular made for TV films of all time, a group of southerns led by postal worker Otis P. Hazelrigg (Charles Durning) kill the mentally challenged Bubba Ritter (Larry Drake, who would also spend the latter half of the decade playing another mentally retarded character on TV's
LA Law) after they mistakenly believe that he murdered a young girl. The quartet of killers assassinate poor Bubba as he hides in the shell of a scarecrow hanging in his mother's field. Soon after they are acquitted mysterious scarecrows begin appearing in their own fields. Is this the work of Bubba from beyond the grave? Though the film is far from great, it's still might be the best on one this list. Durning turns in a typically great performance as a a pedophile/murderer with a fixation on Bubba's playmate.
Deadly Blessing (Wes Craven, 1981): A stern rural religious community called the Hittites is by Isaiah Schmidt (Ernest Brognine) and torments those surrounding them with talk of an evil incubus corrupting the land. Sure enough a trio of buxom coeds (including a pre-fame Sharon Stone) rents out a farmhouse connected to Hittite land, leading Isaiah to step up his reign of terror. Soon a series of grizzly murders begin taking place in the community. Is Isaiah behind the killings or could he be right about the town's curse of a demonic spirit? Today the film is mainly remembered as the early lull in Wes Craven's oeuvre between
The Hills Have Eyes and
A Nightmare on Elm Street. Sadly this seems apt. Borgnine does a great job in his role, but otherwise there's little worth remarking on in this one.
Demons (Lamberto Bava, 1985): Preceding Bigas Luna's
Anguish by two years, the Bava Jr.'s film tells the story of a horror film being shown at a movie theater where real murders begin occurring. This time the film is a zombie flick that transforms one of its viewers into the walking dead, setting off zombie dominoes that result in the theater being overwhelmed by the walking dead. Unfortunately for the survivors, they find themselves bricked in behind the doors that they had originally entered through. Not too surprising when you realize that they were all given the special invitations to attend by a silent man in a golden
Phantom of the Opera mask. Sadly Jr. doesn't have the charms of his father's best work, though there was some interesting material here. I see that there was a sequel. God help me, I'm gonna track it down.
Friday the 13th (Sean S. Cunningham, 1980): I'm not sure how, but I somehow managed to have seen every other film in this franchise without viewing more than a few minutes of the original. Now that that's rectified, all I can say is 'meh'. It's a pretty poor franchise, and this one, famous for being the only one that's missing Jason Voorhees, stands out only for that reason. Otherwise it's pretty much the same formula as the others: a group of horny teenagers travel to Camp Crystal Lake where they get picked off one by one until there's only one left standing. I suppose that this is one of the better examples of that genre, but that's not saying much...
Grotesque (Joe Tornatore, 1988): A group of punk rockers invade a family home whose patriarch is a special effects makeup artist. I'm sorry to say this, but the only thing scarey about this Roger Corman produced flick, is the fact that its the career nadir of Tab Hunter and Linda Blair. Both have some pretty low entries in their imdb pages, but this is likely the worst for each.
The House By the Cemetery (Lucio Fulci, 1981): Since I've already seen and didn't care for
The Beyond, I decided to skip rewatching it and instead move on to the final entry in The Gates of Hell trilogy. This one tells the story of a college professor played by Paolo Malco, who moves his family to a house that was once occupied by notorious serial killer Dr. Freudstein(!). He's there to take over for his colleague who has mysteriously committed suicide, but his son's psychic connection to a local town girl warns him about the dangers that lurk in the basement. It's easily the most self-contained of all the films in the series, but keeping all of the action confined to the basement struck me as a mistake.
House of Long Shadows (Pete Walker, 1983): Desi Arnaz Jr. stars as Kenneth Magee, a novelist who
bets his editor $20,000 that he can write a novel like
Wuthering Heights in 24 hours. Taking him up on the bet, his editor lends him the use of his abandoned manor, which leads him to meet the gorgeous and mysterious ingenue Mary Norton (Julie Peasgood) and a quartet of mysterious individuals who are the real stars of the film (Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, and John Carradine). This quickly devolves into a comedic murder mystery, but is there really a killer on the loose or is this all an attempt to keep him from winning the bet? I for one didn't care. Despite overflowing with talent, there wasn't a single thing keeping my attention here. The film was supposed to be played for laughs, but there was nothing funny. The masters of horror here were merely going through the motions, and the ending was profoundly stupid.
Human Lanterns (Chung Sun, 1982): This awesome Hong Kong martial arts/horror/revenge centers around Chun Fang's (Lo Lieh) quest for vengeance against Master Lung (Tony Liu Yong) for reasons that are never fully explained. He plans to trick Master Tan (Chen Kuan Tai), a fellow provincial governor, into killing Lung by framing him for the abduction of his wife. Unbeknownst to Tan, Fang has already kidnapped Lung's wife and sister and, well, skinned them alive to make lanterns out of their epidermis. It's pretty sick and brutal stuff, but so very well done. The fight scenes between the three principles are handled very well, and the Lo Lieh does an outstanding job bringing the creepy Fang to life.
The Keep (Michael Mann, 1983): Michael Mann's bizarre Nazi themed horror film tells the story of a a battalion of soldiers from the Third Reich who take over a remote provincial castle occupied by superstitious caretakers and crosses lining the bricks. One crucifix made out of pure silver capture's a grunt's eye, and when another soldier helps him to pry it loose, the two unleash a golem that has been locked away since the middle ages. The golem is predictably unhappy by when he learns about the circumstances of his return, and goes on a protracted Nazi killing spree. I'm unsure if this one was genius or terrible. It's such an odd story and so heavily stylized that it seems unlikely to occupy anything but one of those to extremes.
New York Ripper (Lucio Fulci, 1982): Jack Hedley stars as NYC detective Lt. Fred Williams, a tough as nails cop who's on the trail of a serial killer of women in his city. Coming from Fulci you can probably guess the levels of blood, gore, and sexualized violence in the flick. Yep, it's pretty grimy stuff. However, it's also a fairly good giallo thriller. There's little novel here, but what it does, it does well.
Night of the Demons (Kevin Tenney, 1988): A group of horny teenagers (who could have guessed?) awaken a demon that possesses a haunted stretch of land every Halloween. This broad group of archetypes wreak havoc when staring into a mirror brings the demon out to possess the body of Suzanne (screamqueen Linnea Quigley), who quickly spreads the demonic possession to her fellow teens through kisses and murders. The plot is dumb as hell, but there's a lot of interesting things going on here, not the least of which is the unique cinematography and visuals effects. This was really better than it had any right to be.
Poison for the Fairies (Carlos Enrique Taboada, 1984): Flavia (Elsa María Gutiérrez) a ten year old new to her school in Mexico where she has no friends. Verónica (Ana Patricia Rojo), the only child who is nice to her is also a self-professed witch who leads Flavia through a series of adventures that begin innocently enough, but soon take a sinister turn that will end in tragedy. Both of the child actors do a decent enough job in their roles. I'd definitely recommend checking it out.
Return of the Living Dead (Dan O'Bannon, 1985): How's this or a premise? In the 1950s an army test site in Pittsburgh experimenting with chemical compounds stumbled upon a gas that reanimated corpses. They stop the zombies by putting them in containment units, but a young man named George Romero finds out about the events. His cult classic
Night of the Living Dead is based on a true story, but with enough changes made to protect him. In reality, the dead are sentient, intelligent, and can communicate with the living. You can't kill them by damaging the brain. Their hunger from brains? As it turns out, their in constant pain from feeling their own bodies decomposing, but eating brains alleviates the pain. Of course a pair of dufuses accidentally open one of the pods, releasing the undead and leading to an entire cemetery of reanimated corpses that go after a group of punk rockers (including a continually nude Linnea Quigley). This one was soooo much fun.
Rhythm of a Crime (Zoran Tadic, 1980): Ivica (Ivica Vidovic) needs a flatmate and ends up subletting his place to Fabijan (Fabijan Sovagovic), an eccentric mathematician who spends his days crunching statistics about murder. Eventually Fabijan lets Ivica in on his research, which he claims can be used to predict future occurrences of murder. Fabijan's algorithm seems to be full proof until it's not, but what lengths will he go to in order to set everything back on course. Imdb lists this as a horror film, but it's more of a pitch black comedy. Either way, it's a very well done flick and an easy recommendation.
Scorpion Thunderbolt (Godfrey Ho, 1988): So this one has an interesting history. It began it's life as the 1983
Grudge Of The Sleepwalking Woman, a Hong Kong horror film about a woman who is half human and half snake god. Despite her best efforts to live her life as an urban reporter and stay in human form, a mysterious flute player triggers her transformation which result in her killing the men she's with. However, the film was re-edited for western audiences with a white star à la
Godzilla. The result is in incoherent mess; even more of an incoherent mess than the original. Now Richard Harrison's American martial artist finds himself fighting some sort of evil cabal headed by a topless witch that apparently control snake lady from afar. Let me repeat myself, NOTHING HERE MAKES ANY SENSE. Some parts are kind of fun, but it just felt like to much of a task to understand how one scene related to any other in the film.
Sleepaway Camp (Robert Hiltzik, 1983): Angela Baker (Felissa Rose) is the only survivor from a speedboat accident that killer her father and sibling. Now a few years later she finds herself a nearly mute teenager, painfully shy and unable to make more than rudimentary connections with those around her. Soon after arriving, a series of people who have crossed Angela die one by one. Is she behind the killings or could it be the boy that wants to defend her? Might it be the boy that has a crush on her? Like
Friday the 13th, it's another by the numbers slasher flick set at camp where the naughty kids get punished. However, by the time the dust settles, the formula of who gets to survive is a bit inverted. The film is also memorable for quite possibly being the most homoerotic horror film I've ever seen with no female nudity, but a plethora of bare male teenage butts including one that gets kissed by another boy. Heck, even...
the killer is a transexual who apparently sleeps with a boy before beheading him and revealing her penis to the camera in all its prosthetic glory.
Time Walker (Tom Kennedy, 1982): Another abomination from the Corman factory finds an Egyptology professor who unknowingly awakes the mummy of an alien through x-raying its' remains. Inside they find jeweled balls that get passed around to the students, but send the mummy and his toxic touch out looking for them. The film is all kinds of awful, but it at least it ends on a positive note: the promise of a sequel that never materialized.