'Rediculous' Customer & Critic Reviews

[LionelHutz]

Every positive review of 300

Particularly the one which stressed how gorgeous it looked.

[Narshty]

I loved this review from Lovefilm about She-Devils on Wheels:

worst film i have ever seen opening the box was the only highlight

[malcolm1980]

This one is amazing. Let's play a game. Guess what film this RottenTomatoes blurb is for, then highlight the spoiler text to be schooled in astonishment.

Spoiler

TMNT

And to think this guy actually won a Pulitzer Prize for film criticism.

[Musashi219]

I had to pay a visit to our old friend LF's Amazon profile just to see what he has said recently. Here is LF on Sergio Leone's Once Upon a Time in the West and The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

Macho cool
This is a story of macho baloney and pithy dialogue that reeks. It is one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time, right up there with the Bollywood version of The Godfather.

There are three supermen in the movie, three guys who shoot straight and talk sparingly. Charles Bronson plays super hero of super heroes, da good guy who shoots da fastest. Dang he cool. Henry Fonda embarrasses himself as da bad guy, showing that even the brilliant actor who played in the excellent movie On Golden Pond could easily sink to playing a tin devil in this trash. Jason Robards plays Cheyenne, so he cool too, an he shoot purty good too, though he am be second fiddle to the other two macho jerks.

The writing is pathetic. The characters leave a lot unsaid, but that is because they are so cool. Dey nebber lose dey cool.

Even the one female in the movie, Claudia Cardinale, talks like they do. She doesn't talk much, and needer do dey. Oh if we could all be so macho, so wise, and shoot so darn good.

It really dont matter how far away the target is, or if the target is on a moving horse. We will done shoot him and kill him with one shot. We iz dat good. We iz dat cool.

This movie is awful, and there is something seriously wrong with anyone who thinks it is great. Yee hah, from de days when a man wuz a man and a woman kep her mouth shut and let de boys smack her butt cause dey deserve it.

The only way to salvage such a stupid movie would have been for Jason Robards, at the end, to turn to Charles Bronson and say please make love to me like you used to.

And now the second one:

Great score, stylized presentation, overrated
Fairly interesting script, done too slow. Parts of the movie drag. Nothing exceptional about it. Overrated. The best thing about the whole movie is the musical score. By far. It really underlines the action. I think when people rate this movie as an all time great, what they are reacting to is the music.

Clint Eastwood isn't all that good and Eli Wallach isn't ugly. The bad guy was awfully bad though, so at least he wasn't misnamed.

The movie is about the search for buried treasure. Eli Wallach finds out what cemetery it is buried in, and Clint Eastwood finds out what grave it is located in.

There is an unreal quiet throughout a lot of the movie. You don't get the feeling that you are on earth. You are out in some windswept dustbowl or desert.

This movie is stylized, and that, plus the excellent musical score, are the reasons that it is vastly overrated. Actually it's not that easy to sit through the whole film at one time, in excess of two and a half hours. I couldn't do it.

When someone calls this one of the greatest films of all time, he's falling for the stylization. It's like The Emperor's New Clothes. There's really not enough excitement here to make a really great action movie.

Another thing people may be falling for is just how cool Clint Eastwood is. Remember, guys, it's in the script. He's not that great a shot in real life. It's make believe, kids. He's the Marlboro Man. So what.

It's quite interesting to find someone who continually sites the lack of "realism" in every movie he watches but then turns around and awards E.T. The Extra Terrestrial 5 Stars. For extra laughs, read his reviews of The 400 Blows and Blade Runner. Oh and LF just doesn't review movies, he also loves to discuss dietary products:

2-week NutriSystem Nourish Dessert Sampler Package
Offered by NutriSystem
Price: $23.49
real customer here, October 26, 2006
i'm a real customer, not someone advertising the product. i am disappointed in the desert package. the soy chips are kind of chalky. nothing here is all that tasty. and i didn't get the items advertised here. half of the things i got were substitutions. i would definitely give this product a thumbs down and i won't be ordering it again.

Ahh, the chalky taste of realism.

[toiletduck!]

i am disappointed in the desert package.

In case the first two reviews didn't drive the point home.

-Toilet Dcuk

[tryavna]

The best thing about the whole movie is the musical score. By far. It really underlines the action.
...

Clint Eastwood isn't all that good and Eli Wallach isn't ugly. The bad guy was awfully bad though, so at least he wasn't misnamed.
...

There is an unreal quiet throughout a lot of the movie. You don't get the feeling that you are on earth. You are out in some windswept dustbowl or desert.

What's really bizarre is that, in places, LF is on the verge of understanding what the movie's all about.

[Matt]

What's really bizarre is that, in places, LF is on the verge of understanding what the movie's all about.

Even a stopped clock, etc...

[Lemmy Caution]

On an IMDb message board for Hitchcock's Vertigo (1958).
From a thread entitled, "This Movie Was Not That Good"

by krp-7 (Mon Nov 27 2006 12:39:45)

I just saw "Gaslight" over the weekend. Not only does it have the beutiful Ingrid Bergman, but also a 18-year-old Angela Lansbury. This movie is creepy as well but it was INFINITELY better than this Hitchcock garbage, even being in b/w.

Anyone, that has any taste, who sees "Gaslight" would find that they have no longer any use for Vertigo, and would stop arguing that Vertigo was a decent film, since they have actually seen one.

I enjoyed the misspelling of "beautiful" and the "even being in b/w" comment. But the highlight for me is the complete lack of any substantive argument. Bonus points for the all-purpose nature of the last sentence -- just insert the names of any two films and you're done, argument over. Nothing wrong with liking Gaslight better, but that doesn't mean Vertigo is dreck.

[jesus the mexican boi]

On a Netflix review of The Italian (Italianetz) (Andrei Kravchuk, 2005):

I did not expect this movie as it was, I was not interested at all with having to read at the bottom of my screen every word the characters were saying. That type of movie was not for me.

Pure genius!

[patrick]

That sounds like the lady who returned Death of Mr. Lazarescu to the video store yesterday and said her husband wanted a refund because it was in, and I quote, "some language."

OK, I actually feel a little bad for posting this one, but it's just too insane (from the IMDB site for Bicentennial Man):

This to me was one of the greatest movies ever made. I thought the director, the producers, and the creators of this movie did such a great job making this movie, the robots looked so real. especially andrew. The stuff in that movie I got really interested in because I'm a television major and i'm taking courses that are based on what they used to make this film and thanks to that it's actually getting me upto the point of graduating sometime soon. even though i know i started college 6 years ago but when i started watching it i started to get the feel for the movie and thats how i was able to pass computer art 2d and the rest of my TV classes then. but now since it's been years since i've seen it i haven't passed much of anything but now come to think of it i'll go back to watching it again. and for any of u guys that are TV majors and are about to take science or new developments or anything that is based on robotics or any kind of science work like they used for this movie i'd recommend first to check with your advisors to see if this movie will help u guys with your assignments for classes and if so go either rent this movie or better yet because u'll need it for the rest your entire college learning, buy the movie. it's worth watching. i have to give an award to chris columbus for making this movie and thanks to him and robin williams this has been helping me pass classes and now i'm at the greatest danger of graduating the community college.

[souvenir]

You should have just posted a picture of a retarded person. It would have served the same effect.

[Steven H]

You should have just posted a picture of a retarded person. It would have served the same effect.

But then I never would have read it three times and wept.

[miless]

I like how he was describing going to school for so long... and then it turned out to be community college.
ouch!

[patrick]

You should have just posted a picture of a retarded person. It would have served the same effect.

I agree it feels like shooting fish in a barrel, but at the same time there's something about it that makes me read it over and over again. It spins around in circles while simultaneously floating further outwards into la-la land.

[souvenir]

You should have just posted a picture of a retarded person. It would have served the same effect.

I agree it feels like shooting fish in a barrel, but at the same time there's something about it that makes me read it over and over again. It spins around in circles while simultaneously floating further outwards into la-la land.

True. I wasn't complaining that you posted it so much as observing that reading it inspired the same reaction as if I'd been looking at someone literally retarded.

[tryavna]

and now i'm at the greatest danger of graduating the community college.

Well, you gotta admit, this person has a genuine knack for the mot juste.

[colinr0380]

We laugh now, but you can bet within a month of graduating he'll be running a television channel programming detailed seasons of Robin Williams and Chris Columbus films.

[miless]

We laugh now, but you can bet within a month of graduating he'll be running a television channel programming detailed seasons of Robin Williams and Chris Columbus films.

but it will be a Public Access channel, so no worries.

[exte]

There's some cruel shit going on in this thread...

[Lemmy Caution]

Yeah, I'm starting to enjoy this thread.

From an Imdb review of The Yellow Sky:

When you do a movie entitled Yellow Sky it would have been nice to see some color photography of same. The movie does under utilize location photography in Death Valley because it's in black and white. Of course when the location shifts to the town, the black and white does lend itself to the noirish twists in the plot.

Somebody with a far too literal cast of mind. Along with having the familiar problem with old movies (b&w). They do attempt some redemption with the last sentence.

[davebert]

They know the word noir, for instance!

[miless]

They know the word noir, for instance!

or maybe they just know a little french.

[Forgotten Goldfish]

From an Amazon review of Ulmer's Bluebeard:

Absolutely Terrible
This is bad even for 1944. Set in Paris, no one has a French accent.

From an IMDB review of Dieterle's The Firebird:

Vat? No Accents?
This is supposed to be set in 1934 Germany (what, no Nazis?). Except for the wiener dog, the apartment manager's pipe, beer swilling policeman and some German shop signs, you'd never know it. Not one stab at an accent between them.

As always, there are one or two minor lapses in these reviews (The Firebird is set, if I remember rightly, in Austria rather than Germany), but they shouldn't distract us from the usefulness of the main point -- which is capable of almost infinite extension. Hamlet is set in medieval Denmark, yet no one has a medieval Danish accent. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is set in central Europe, yet all the voices are American-accented. Etc., etc.

But we amateur reviewers haven't realized the true problem with these movies. The professionals, as you'd expect, delve deeper. Here is Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide (1990 edition) on the subject of Gérard Krawczyk's Je hais les acteurs (I Hate Actors):

Set in Tinseltown, yet all of the dialogue's in French.

That's the real problem with Hamlet, Bluebeard, Snow White etc. They're set in foreign countries, yet all of the dialogue's in English. How ignorant of the scriptwriters, to make a mistake like that! And how naïve of us amateurs, to imagine that it could be set right merely by speaking the English words with a foreign accent!

[colinr0380]

That's the real problem with Hamlet, Bluebeard, Snow White etc. They're set in foreign countries, yet all of the dialogue's in English. How ignorant of the scriptwriters, to make a mistake like that! And how naïve of us amateurs, to imagine that it could be set right merely by speaking the English words with a foreign accent!

Funnily enough I watched Amadeus last night and it seemed that Simon Callow was doing an American accent! I wonder if he did it so that an English accent would not seem like a wrong note and out of place with Tom Hulce, F. Murray Abraham and the rest of the cast? If that was the case it seems like an interesting example of an actor doing an accent not to stick close to the reality of the period, but in order to keep the whole 'they're speaking English' debate in the back of people's minds and not consciously remind them of it. Luckily for me the bum notes came at the beginning of the film!

(Although that is one of the reasons why I haven't seen the film all the way through until now - I've never liked the opening scene with the servants playing broad comedy about eating ice cream while Salieri is trying to commit suicide on the other side of the door. Perhaps it was also that the performers seemed too familiar from comedy - Vincent Schiavelli and what seemed to be Wayne Knight ending up with ice cream on his nose and chin!)

[tryavna]

But we amateur reviewers haven't realized the true problem with these movies. The professionals, as you'd expect, delve deeper. Here is Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide (1990 edition) on the subject of Gérard Krawczyk's Je hais les acteurs (I Hate Actors):

Set in Tinseltown, yet all of the dialogue's in French.

Not that I'm necessarily trying to defend Maltin, but taking that quotation in context, I got the impression that he was merely trying to alert readers that it's a foreign-language film and not done in English. (His review of the movie is fairly positive.)

Nevertheless, I agree with you about accents being relatively silly. I always find it bizarre when English-speaking actors put on fake German accents because they're playing Nazis in a war movie. For instance, as much as I like The Train, was it really necessary for Paul Scofield to put on a German accent? Lancaster didn't affect a French accent, even though he's surrounded by French actors speaking English with French accents.