Fond Remembrances of Cinematic Child Abuse

[Doctor Sunshine]

Not in a class with most of you, but at around age 11 I watched Robocop and Monty Python and the Holy Grail at a friend's birthday party. I also remember seeing Octopussy on television with my parents at a young age and, without being able to confirm anything, was pretty sure the latter half of the title was dirty in some way.

Another friend's parents watched A Clockwork Orange with her when she was two. However, she's still the more well-adjusted one between us. Point being: you should cinematically abuse your children at a young age.

[LQ]

When I was in my single-digits I would go to afterschool care at this lady's house. I vividly remember her wicked older daughter who basically forced my first rated-R feature upon me, although I protested plaintively in vain that I wasn't allowed to watch "bad movies" or somesuch. I think I was 6. Anyway, I had terrifying nightmares for about a week as a result of being forced to watch Nightmare on Elm Street.
When I was in my pre-teens but still not allowed to watch R-movies, I'd sneak over to a friend's more lenient household, where one summer we watched Face/Off almost every single day for about two months straight. That must explain my inordinate affection for it.

Point being: you should cinematically abuse your children at a young age.

And let them watch The Simpsons! Rated-Rs were not allowed and neither was television, really. I had to "discover" the Simpsons, Seinfeld, etc. in my late teens! I'm thoroughly convinced that showing the Simpsons to your young children will aid in their development of a very nuanced, keen sense of humor.

[colinr0380]

LQ's reminded me of being babysat up until around 10 years old by an elderly neighbour while my parents used to work nights. She did not seem too bothered about vetting what we watched (and I have to confess that, nerd I am, I was always more interested in working from my maths books than fully watching the programmes), and I particularly remember watching her favourite programmes The New Statesman, L.A. Law and The Equalizer with her. I also particularly remember staying up to watch Private Benjamin (the sweary late night version before it was edited for language to be shown earlier), The World According To Garp, She'll Be Wearing Pink Pyjamas (the catchy title song of which I didn't really undertand the implications of, and then got told off by a teacher for absent mindedly singing the lyrics to myself at school the next week!), and My Beautiful Launderette!

[fiddlesticks]

My parents wouldn't allow me to watch anything more adult-oriented than The Incredible Mr. Limpet until I was 35.

They did, however, allow me to drink beer when I was 12.

[Lemmy Caution]

For my 11th birthday my mother took a half-dozen 5th graders to see One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I'll never forgive them for leaving me behind. <rimshot> Seriously, it was a pretty ballsy move on Mom's part. She'd seen the film a week or two before and thought it was important and must see. In a family that rarely went to the movies, maybe she just wanted an excuse to see it again. A whole heap of it went over our heads, and a lobotomy was a decidedly new concept, but we were pretty impressed by what was clearly an adult film.

My grandfather took me to see my first rated R movie when I was 9, but it was only Blazing Saddles, and I'm still unsure why that was given an R. Too many fart jokes?

I also remember seeing lots of Creature Feature and Chiller Theater monster/horror films on Tv when I was young.

[fiddlesticks]

My grandfather took me to see my first rated R movie when I was 9, but it was only Blazing Saddles, and I'm still unsure why that was given an R. Too many fart jokes?

Blazing Saddles on TV back in those days was a riot, beyond what Mel Brooks intended. The campfire scene is utterly silent; every single fart has been cut (pun intended). You wonder why these very quiet men keep getting halfway up and then sitting back down.

Thank god for censors; without them, I'm sure I'd be depraved today.

[Murdoch]

My grandfather took me to see my first rated R movie when I was 9, but it was only Blazing Saddles, and I'm still unsure why that was given an R. Too many fart jokes?

Blazing Saddles on TV back in those days was a riot, beyond what Mel Brooks intended. The campfire scene is utterly silent; every single fart has been cut (pun intended). You wonder why these very quiet men keep getting halfway up and then sitting back down.


Thank god for censors; without them, I'm sure I'd be depraved today.

The best edit I've ever heard came when I watched Apocalypse Now on TV and during Kurtz's final monologue with the Doors in the background, instead of Kurtz saying "fuck on their airplanes" they edited in someone else's voice to replace "fuck" with "balls" and the guy doing the voice-edit sounded like he was drunk and said "balls!" in this joyous yell. Completely inappropriate for the scene and seemingly intentionally comedic. The first time I saw AP was in such a broadcast when I was around nine and I thought "why did his voice become so happy?" I was yet unaware of TV censorship.

[MichaelB]

I still have very fond memories of a school camping trip in 1982 when we all went to the local twin-screen cinema, which was showing Porky's and Rocky III.

It must have been blindingly obvious to the cashier that we were all spectacularly under-age, but she also must have realised that people admitted to Porky's paid full adult rate (because of course they'd all be over 18, wouldn't they?) - so she let in everyone over a certain height (including me) while the shortarses had to make do with Sly.

[Sloper]

My grandfather took me to see my first rated R movie when I was 9, but it was only Blazing Saddles, and I'm still unsure why that was given an R. Too many fart jokes?

Blazing Saddles on TV back in those days was a riot, beyond what Mel Brooks intended. The campfire scene is utterly silent; every single fart has been cut (pun intended). You wonder why these very quiet men keep getting halfway up and then sitting back down.


Thank god for censors; without them, I'm sure I'd be depraved today.

The best edit I've ever heard came when I watched Apocalypse Now on TV and during Kurtz's final monologue with the Doors in the background, instead of Kurtz saying "fuck on their airplanes" they edited in someone else's voice to replace "fuck" with "balls" and the guy doing the voice-edit sounded like he was drunk and said "balls!" in this joyous yell. Completely inappropriate for the scene and seemingly intentionally comedic. The first time I saw AP was in such a broadcast when I was around nine and I thought "why did his voice become so happy?" I was yet unaware of TV censorship.

Here in the UK, ITV used to show a hilarious PG-version of Robocop, crammed full of this sort of thing: not just 'you are gonna be one bad mother-crusher', even 'asshole' got changed to 'airhead', always in a nasal, high-pitched voice that sounded nothing like Miguel Ferrer or Ronny Cox. And in the bathroom scene, even the shot of the wet patch on the guy's trousers was edited out (I don't suppose they just had to cut two seconds out to fit the schedule). This was after ten o'clock, as well - it was as if they were so scared of people complaining about the film they'd turned paranoid and just edited the hell (sorry, heck) out of everything.

Now if you switch on the TV in the evening looking for some light entertainment you're liable to get a faceful of graphic sex and mutilation. Or a faceful of Russell Brand, which is much the same.

Incidentally, on the issue of whether this stuff corrupts young minds: the most evil, psychotic boy at my primary school was brought up on a diet of happy, child-friendly froth. One of my abiding childhood memories is of crying my eyes out while he gleefully tortured his pet hamster in front of his favourite film - The Sound of Music. There's a lot of truth in the Annie Wilkes character from Misery: it isn't always the violence and the swearing that turn people into nutjobs; sometimes it's the Mills and Boon...

[domino harvey]

There used to be a YouTube video compiling all the Die Hard 2 edits from when it aired on TBS and it was hands-down the funniest thing I'd ever seen on YouTube. I was in teary-eyed hysterics by the end. From "Yippe-Kai-Yay, MR. FALCON" to a rant performed by Willis against Denis Franz that is rendered completely indecipherable due to every third word being replaced by someone else's voice talking really quick to fill the gap, it was a work of art on the part of cable television. So of course some lawyers made YouTube take it down. Every once in a while you see bits and pieces of it reposted, but never that masterful first compilation

[Sloper]

"Yippe-Kai-Yay, MR. FALCON"

That's great - it was 'kemosabe' here.

[Murdoch]

There used to be a YouTube video compiling all the Die Hard 2 edits from when it aired on TBS and it was hands-down the funniest thing I'd ever seen on YouTube. I was in teary-eyed hysterics by the end. From "Yippe-Kai-Yay, MR. FALCON" to a rant performed by Willis against Denis Franz that is rendered completely indecipherable due to every third word being replaced by someone else's voice talking really quick to fill the gap, it was a work of art on the part of cable television. So of course some lawyers made YouTube take it down. Every once in a while you see bits and pieces of it reposted, but never that masterful first compilation

I remember that, each time the dubbed voice popped in to block out the swears for Willis it sounded like he has split personalities. It puts an entirely different spin on the movie where an insane policeman wrestles with both sides of himself to combat terrorists. Also, I love how the dub pronounces Mister Falcon like "Mee-stah Falcon".

Now I'm reminded of all the times as a kid the only way I would catch R-rated movies was when they aired on TV edited. It's still weird today seeing them in their original "unclean" form.

[Mr Sausage]

I recall watching Starship Troopers on tv once and caught this gem of efficient censorship: "we're going to kill you and you whole fuh-stinking race." They couldn't even be bothered to match the audio properly.

[flyonthewall2983]

There used to be a YouTube video compiling all the Die Hard 2 edits from when it aired on TBS and it was hands-down the funniest thing I'd ever seen on YouTube. I was in teary-eyed hysterics by the end. From "Yippe-Kai-Yay, MR. FALCON" to a rant performed by Willis against Denis Franz that is rendered completely indecipherable due to every third word being replaced by someone else's voice talking really quick to fill the gap, it was a work of art on the part of cable television. So of course some lawyers made YouTube take it down. Every once in a while you see bits and pieces of it reposted, but never that masterful first compilation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuQP4d_r_Gs" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Is this it? I'm still laughing, even as I write this. I swear I remember watching the TBS version awhile back. I saw it more recently on AMC and they just blanked out the curses if I remember right.

[Perkins Cobb]

Monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane.

[domino harvey]

There used to be a YouTube video compiling all the Die Hard 2 edits from when it aired on TBS and it was hands-down the funniest thing I'd ever seen on YouTube. I was in teary-eyed hysterics by the end. From "Yippe-Kai-Yay, MR. FALCON" to a rant performed by Willis against Denis Franz that is rendered completely indecipherable due to every third word being replaced by someone else's voice talking really quick to fill the gap, it was a work of art on the part of cable television. So of course some lawyers made YouTube take it down. Every once in a while you see bits and pieces of it reposted, but never that masterful first compilation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuQP4d_r_Gs" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Is this it? I'm still laughing, even as I write this. I swear I remember watching the TBS version awhile back. I saw it more recently on AMC and they just blanked out the curses if I remember right.

That's actually a different, extended version, but it appears to have all the hits along with some pretty boring edits. But once those Willis replacements come up, man, it's $$$$$$ City. Thanks for digging it up

[Jonathan S]

My childhood was pre-video and I owned an 8mm print of Un chien andalou, but I don't recall being troubled by any of the images that earned the film its very belated UK 'X' certificate just a few years before in 1968. Indeed, I think that - unencumbered by adult logic - I appreciated the film more then than I do now.

I regularly rented 8mm films from our local (privately owned) film library, which also dealt in under-the-counter porn and was raided by police more than once. My parents were fully aware of this but still allowed me to go there. Similarly, the mail order 8mm catalogues I regularly perused were full of porn films (probably of a softer, more legal variety than the library peddled) and there was no ratings system at all, beyond their own "Adults only" warnings which I doubt were ever enforced. Even as a teenager, though, I was never tempted by them, possibly because the films all appeared to be relentlessly heterosexual. I was also far more excited by the prospect of getting hold of some classic I'd only ever read about in my film books.

Ironically, the films in my collection that were viewed with most suspicion were my old-time silent comedies with titles such as Bathing Beauties and Big Boobs, Early to Bed, All Night Long, The Waiters' Ball and Boobs in the Woods (all genuine titles, as aficionados will know). A neighbour, seeing these stacked on shelves in our living-room, was prompted to ask my mother: "Just what kind of films does Jonathan collect?"

Another irony is that - despite being allowed to stay up late regularly for X-rated movies on TV - the only film that ever truly distressed me (so much so that I had to take the next day off school) was MGM's supposedly wholesome family film The Yearling - which I still consider the most emotionally sadistic film I've ever seen. So much for ratings systems!

[tojoed]

My childhood was also pre-video, but I used to tape the TV soundtracks, on an audio cassette, of Marx Bros films and Citizen Kane when I was about 13. Did anyone else do this, or have I been bonkers longer than I thought?

[Jonathan S]

Yes indeed - though in my case I taped TV film soundtracks before audio cassettes on huge reel-to-reel machines. I sometimes did it as a primitive way of time-shifting - if two films I wanted to see overlapped, I recorded the audio from the end of one film on the portable TV upstairs while I watched the start of the other film! There were only two or three TV channels in the UK at that time, broadcasting about 8 hours a day, so you might have to wait years for a film to be repeated.

But I mainly taped the music tracks of silent films which I owned on 8mm, then attempted to sync them. So I was watching Battleship Potemkin regularly in the 1970s with the Meisel score that the BBC used on their print.

A few years ago, film critic David Robinson kindly gave me his reel-to-reel tape collection, mainly for some very rare 1950s radio shows, but among them were tapes of WC Fields soundtracks that he'd evidently recorded off TV. So I suspect quite a few of us were doing this!

[Zumpano]

My childhood was also pre-video, but I used to tape the TV soundtracks, on an audio cassette, of Marx Bros films and Citizen Kane when I was about 13. Did anyone else do this, or have I been bonkers longer than I thought?

I used to tape the audio from movies onto a cassette tape. I had a bunch but I can only remember the "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka" tape because it really made the rounds at my school. In high school, my friend and I taped "Shakes The Clown" (we had a very (un)healthy relationship with that movie) and would listen to it driving to school every morning.

[HarryLong]

My childhood was also pre-video, but I used to tape the TV soundtracks, on an audio cassette, of Marx Bros films and Citizen Kane when I was about 13. Did anyone else do this, or have I been bonkers longer than I thought?

Nope, I was another. Though my earliest tapes were made on one of those little Craig reel-to-reel (the kind they used to destroy in MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE).
Most of the ones I taped were movies that had music I loved: BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN, KING KONG, ANNA AND THE KING OF SIAM ...

[HarryLong]

the only film that ever truly distressed me (so much so that I had to take the next day off school) was MGM's supposedly wholesome family film The Yearling - which I still consider the most emotionally sadistic film I've ever seen. So much for ratings systems

I often ponder just what the deal is with these supposedly kid-friendly films such as YEARLING and OLD YELLER that are about some child & his/her pet & end with the animal being kiilled off. It's just plain sick, imho.

[domino harvey]

My childhood was also pre-video, but I used to tape the TV soundtracks, on an audio cassette, of Marx Bros films and Citizen Kane when I was about 13. Did anyone else do this, or have I been bonkers longer than I thought?

I wasn't pre-video, but I used to tape record Kids in the Hall skits and listen to them on the schoolbus. So in my mind, they released a lot of comedy albums

[Sloper]

Also not pre-video, but I taped lots of my favourite film music: the openings/endings of Double Indemnity, Sunset Boulevard, The Asphalt Jungle, Brute Force, The Wild Bunch, the battle sequence in Ran, the 'world's greatest newspapermen' montage from Citizen Kane, and a few others I'd rather not mention... Listening to those tapes was the most fun I've ever had in the backseat of a car, sadly. Making a tape was so much more rewarding than making a playlist.

[aox]

the only film that ever truly distressed me (so much so that I had to take the next day off school) was MGM's supposedly wholesome family film The Yearling - which I still consider the most emotionally sadistic film I've ever seen. So much for ratings systems

I often ponder just what the deal is with these supposedly kid-friendly films such as YEARLING and OLD YELLER that are about some child & his/her pet & end with the animal being kiilled off. It's just plain sick, imho.

Then all death is sick I suppose.

I can see an argument for it being a way to expose a child to the inevitable concept of death itself. I don't know if I agree with that, but I would throw that out there to ponder.