'Rediculous' Customer & Critic Reviews

[Magic Hate Ball]

These are the people you see at Borders in the British DVD section, constantly filing through the boxsets over and over again.

[tryavna]

I am a large fan of British cinema and TV

I wonder why this person felt the need to address his/her weight problem in an IMDb review?

[Forgotten Goldfish]

From an IMDb review of An Alligator Named Daisy (1955):

My Grandmothers Cousin, Maurice Johnson, looked after the alligator 'Daisy' at his home in Parkstone (near Bournemouth). The alligator was really male. I believe he was a theatrical agent. He was also a friend of naturalist Gerald Durrell.

[Matt]

That's some alligator!

[Jeff]

From an IMDb review of Eyes Wide Shut:

This is by far the worst thriller (if thats what you want to call it) I have ever seen. A thriller is a movie like "Basic Instinct" or "Fatal Attraction" even an old thriller like "The Birds" puts this movie to shame. It was slow moving, no action, no storyline I thought whatsoever. I think it was a bad movie like "Waterworld" and "Dead Poets Society", if you liked these movies than this is the movie for you. Thanks, but no thanks.

There are going to be a lot of disappointed Waterworld fans who take that recommendation.

[souvenir]

How great is it that Waterworld and Dead Poets Society are lumped into the same category of "bad" movies.

Eyes Wide Shut probably remains one of the more misunderstood movies of the past decade. I'm sure you could fill a book with thread-appropriate reviews.

[ecschmidt]

GangstaLawya's Amazon review of The Departed:

0 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
craptacular, July 27, 2007
By GangstaLawya (TimBuckToo) - See all my reviews
The movie is loosely based on Whitey Bulger in Boston. Scorsese brought his religious hangups in this one, just like Cape Fear. The movie is virtually plotless. The screenplay must have been easy since every other line was F--.

The blasphemous references to Christ, such as Leonardo DeCaprio smashing a picture of Christ over a guy's head and Nicholosen's hypocritical indictment of clergyman was anti-Christian. Nicholosen was a cold blooded killer who indulged in moral reprimend of clergy, something I could barely stomach.

All of the actors and the movie itself served their juwes well.

May they all rot in hell.

[Steven H]

Some Birth (one of my favorite recent films) gems from amazon.com (somehow I just knew this film would be a goldmine.)

This is NOTHING like "The Sixth Sense" and if they were trying to copy the idea of a creepy little boy and dead people, they missed it on this one.

Hello, child protective services?

The last time I saw or read about an adult taking a bath with a 10 year old, that person ended up getting 25 years for Child Sexual Abuse. That scene alone should have been enough to assure that this film never saw the light of day. In a time when we are seeing an terrifing increase in crimes against children, it is irresponsible and downright criminal to allow something like that to be shown in a motion picture.

I am only thankful that I did not waste any money to see this picture.

I wouldn't pay five cents for it even if Nicole did a nude seen. It is rated "R" for unknown reasons. there is no foul language, no violence and only a cloudy nude butt.

I watched this because of the controversial hype it got. Birth is a slow, boring movie. The producers should've hired a lighting director, because the movie needs one.

I found the scenes of Nicole and a ten year old boy naked in a bathtub together to be in very poor taste and simply an excuse for some cheap pedophile thrills--I'm sure if it were an adult male with a pre-teen female--there would have been more objections.

Remember the part in "Revenge of the Nerds" where nerd Lewis dons the Darth Vader helmet and fools Betty into thinking he's jock Stan so they can go into the moon room at the funhouse and make out? Imagine a two hour version of that scene played straight with a kid version of Booger.

I believe that the people who will enjoy this film are the type of people who go to an art museum and see a white canvas with a little black dot in the middle...and consider it to be ingenious!!!

sez KittyKatsRUs...

[patrick]

Remember the part in "Revenge of the Nerds" where nerd Lewis dons the Darth Vader helmet and fools Betty into thinking he's jock Stan so they can go into the moon room at the funhouse and make out? Imagine a two hour version of that scene played straight with a kid version of Booger.

This one actually makes me want to see Birth...

[mikeohhh]

Remember the part in "Revenge of the Nerds" where nerd Lewis dons the Darth Vader helmet and fools Betty into thinking he's jock Stan so they can go into the moon room at the funhouse and make out? Imagine a two hour version of that scene played straight with a kid version of Booger.

This one actually makes me want to see Birth...

let's get this guy to board here!

[Kirkinson]

While looking at reviews of Alatriste I came across this mostly negative IMDb user comment, which is not especially bad except for this one glorious sentence:

As a trained professional filmmaker my opinions can't be and are not based in personal taste; they actually are not opinion, but fact analysis

[The Elegant Dandy Fop]

While looking at reviews of Alatriste I came across this mostly negative IMDb user comment, which is not especially bad except for this one glorious sentence:

As a trained professional filmmaker my opinions can't be and are not based in personal taste; they actually are not opinion, but fact analysis

Someone tell this professional to stop wasting time on IMDb, and go make a better movie than Alatriste.

What a arrogant asshole.

[jorencain]

In this in-depth review on Amazon, J. E. Hoppock discusses 2001:

The cure for insomnia or a method to suicide?

Could someone please tell me what the big deal is about this movie, please? I do enjoy Stanley Kubrick a great deal, Dr Strangelove, The Shining, Clockwork Orange, Eyes Wide Shut, all great movies. But this movie is called a "Space Odyssey", it was an odyssey I stayed awake while I watched it, or didn't kill myself. I already know that I am going to be abased by "film buffs/experts in film history" about my review of "this fine cinematic masterpiece". Consequently, whenever someone states they are an "expert in film history/film buff" it is just euphuism for "my opinion is better than yours and you don't know any better." Now we have a two disc edition, as if the movie by itself isn't long enough, we now have all extras. I think I have discovered a way to reduce crime in the world. I think I have discovered a way to reduce crime in the world, show the violators of law the two disc special edition of "2001: Space Odyssey". I bet within three months there will be less crime.

There are some positive aspects of this movie, honestly. The cinematography in this film was wonderful, the music was amazing, the special effects were great (for 1968), but come on the story was very weak. I mean I did get the point about man, where he was, where he has been and where he is going, and all that fun stuff. However, did there really need to be ten and fifteen minute gaps with no dialogue!! Rather there would just be this classical music played at these silly points that never really seem to fit. "Look Sally it is a pen floating in the air!" There was not a single word spoken the first twenty-five minutes of the movie, just cheesy primates!!! "Are they monkeys or are they people dressed in really bad monkey costumes?" This movie could have had the same effect in an hour less, even ninety minutes less.

The characters were pointless and shallow. I think a great word here to use kids is moot. Then there is the super computer Hal 9000. I just love Hal 9000 "Dave, Dave". Drop a rock on my skull. The movie needed to focus on one aspect and stick with it. Too much trying to be "artistic" that it missed whatever point it was trying to make. I also loved the big black "surf board" that was the link to our past, present and future. I thought that was the economy that did that.

If you try and tell someone this movie was poor in quality they get bent out of shape. If someone tells you they like this movie I can accept that...maybe....not likely..., but if they tell you they enjoyed it because they feel the power of the film, then they are full of #@*! It is almost like people hear that "2001: Space Odyssey" is a great movie and therefore when they watch it they must conform or they'll be gunned down. Citizen Kane is another movie that shouldn't be accosted or the result is heresy. I will give you the 4-1-1, Citizen Kane sucked too!

When witnessing "2001: Space Odyssey", I felt like I was watching a two hour and thirty minute screensaver, after it goes for a bit the computer turns off. Sort of like my mind watching this tomfoolery disguised as marvelous motion picture. I think it would be fun to play a drinking game (alcohol will be needed) while watching this movie. The game is this; only put your mixed drink/beer/straight liquor down when there is a scene with dialogue. Unless a person has a stomach of steel and strong endurance, they will be trashed within the first fifteen minutes of regulation. As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure your sofa will look a lot like a space station and your living room another planet by the time you are done watching 2001 and playing this game.

In all honesty, "2001: Space Odyssey" is one of the first space movies that was ahead of it's time in a technical aspect, with regards to special effects and camera work. However, if you want some great science fiction watch the "Star Wars" saga. As for a science fiction film that has a philosophical vibe to it, watch the original "Solaris". Hell the remake with Clooney is light years better (pun intended) that this languid drivel!!!!!

[domino harvey]

I don't know if "moot" was quite the word he made it out to be for how he used it.

[miless]

In this in-depth review on Amazon, J. E. Hoppock discusses 2001:

The cure for insomnia or a method to suicide?

There are some positive aspects of this movie, honestly. The cinematography in this film was wonderful, the music was amazing...

Rather there would just be this classical music played at these silly points that never really seem to fit.

so which is it...
is the music amazing or not?

[Kirkinson]

I just found this review of Yeelen on Facebook:

Apparently, I'm one of the few people out there who will take no brownie points regarding a film's quality because of the trials and tribulations associated with it's making. I don't care if it took 20 years and 13 failed marriages and even a trip to Hell and back to make - if the film sucks, then it sucks. Plain and simple. Yeelen is a film that obviously took some effort and some love to make - the filmmakers had almost no money, really; all they had was a pocketful of dreams. Too bad they didn't have a half-way decent screenplay to go with it. Just because a movie comes from an impoverished nation, made by impoverished people about impoverished people, doesn't mean it's automatically good. Pi was made on a shoestring budget - and Aronofsky made a masterpiece. Yeelen, however, is possibly the single most annoying and irritating movie I've ever endured. There is one scene that lasts an excuriating 15 minutes where all the people do is say the same basic things over and over again, smoking pipes, waving tails around, and sing in the single most obnoxious, wailing "voice" I've ever heard. This movie is supposed to be a fairy tale type thing - hero goes on journey, falls in love, defeats evil, etc. etc. But how did they manage to make that so unbearably boring and pointless? Some scenes are inexplicable - why is there one shot of a man with a donkey head laughing? Some are morbidly disturbing - a topless scene of the single most old, withered, and ugly woman I've ever seen definately counts as such. And some scenes are hilariously bad, contrived, and horribly written, acted, and directed - actually, what am I saying - that wasn't just one scene, that was the whole movie. Clearly, the director has no idea how to shoot a film - the hero first showing off his mystical powers was shot so ineptly that it took us about half an hour afterwards to realize he'd done anything at all.

Spoiler

And the "final confrontation" is hilarious - the whole movie's been building to a fight between these two, so what happens is they put some poles down, they stare at each other (for endless minutes), light comes from the poles, they fall to their knees blinded - end of scene. That was the final fight. Both are dead now.

And blessedly, the movie is close to ending. Honestly - if i was given a choice between death or enduring Yeelen again, I would rather take my shot at seeing Heaven.

[domino harvey]

Facebook has reviews now? How many five star pieces on Reservoir Dogs and the Boondock Saints are there

[Matt]

Facebook has reviews now? How many five star pieces on Reservoir Dogs and the Boondock Saints are there

Can't see the number of five star reviews, but Reservoir Dogs has been rated 39,980 times and has a cumulative 4.5 star rating. Boondock Saints: 20,115 ratings, 4 stars. For context, Boudu Saved From Drowning has been rated 111 times and has 3.5 stars.

Here's a selection of 5-star reviews from each. I didn't identify which movie the review is from because, well, why bother?

"I just saw this movie for the 1st time last weekend. I loved it, it's definetly my all time favorite movie. You experience every emotion in this movie. Who can blame you? With 2 hot Irishmen kicking ass, good acting, an amazing story with a good point..why allow the guilty walk free?"

"If you haven't yet seen this movie I suggest that you do! It's a very very good movie and the actors in this are amazing!!!"

"I loved this movie, it was crazy and made me laugh. Plus the accents... who doesn't love a good Irish accent? The theme and message of course were way off, but entertainment value was good."

"Vic Vega asking the one-eared cop through the freshly sheared ear in his hand, "Hey, what's going on? You hear that?" Magical."

"I don't like this movie. That aside, it's brilliant. The storyline could be a bit more linear or better resolved. I'm still trying to figure out the opening scene. However, the characters were fascinating as the acting was flawless." [Yet she still gives it 5 stars!]

"Great flick. Blew my frickin' mind the first time I saw it. The dialogue in this movie is amazing. Good story, memorable characters, awesome gunfight scene, and of course Michael Madsen's psychotic torture scene set to "Stuck in the Middle With You." Classic! This is why I love Tarantino. Even with a small budget on a fledgling film, his dialogue, use of music, and visual style produce classic art."

[3 stars instead of 5 stars, but still priceless:] "If you've seen Down and Out in Beverly Hills, this is basically the same film except with a much more interesting ending. Not my favorite Renoir film. Some interesting camera work but Simon's physical comedy doesn't do it for me. I just don't see the comedy in the shameful and reckless destruction of duvet covers."

What's amazingly depressing about Facebook's Movies application is this kind of information...
20% Want To See It
80% Not Interested
0 friends have seen it
0 friends who want to see it
... and that's for the fucking Philadelphia Story!

[Musashi219]

Facebook has reviews now? How many five star pieces on Reservoir Dogs and the Boondock Saints are there

I mentioned this last week on this thread. The Facebook application is called Flixster, which is also a website for folks to review movies and mostly make fools of themselves. Go pack to my post for some classic examples.

What's amazingly depressing about Facebook's Movies application is this kind of information...
20% Want To See It
80% Not Interested
0 friends have seen it
0 friends who want to see it
... and that's for the fucking Philadelphia Story!

Their system is fucked up to begin with. That 20% represents people who actually clicked the WANT TO SEE IT tab, where as that 80% are those who haven't even bothered to come across the movie, essentially making it seem like nobody is interested in it.

Oh and for the record, I happily gave Boudu five stars.

[patrick]

"It blew my mind" is possibly the most overused phrase people use to review films these days, it seriously makes my skin crawl. Save it for 2001 or Jodorowsky's films, please. Another phrase that drives me batty is "mindfuck," I seriously have at least one person come in to the videostore per week and ask for a movie that's a "mindfuck" - and when I ask them what they mean they always say "like Memento or Donnie Darko."

Needless to say, I always recommend them Oldboy or a Miike film, and they often look pissed when they return it.

[tryavna]

Needless to say, I always recommend them Oldboy or a Miike film, and they often look pissed when they return it.

You should recommend Tarkovsky instead and see what their reaction is then.

"I just saw this movie for the 1st time last weekend. I loved it, it's definetly my all time favorite movie. You experience every emotion in this movie. Who can blame you? With 2 hot Irishmen kicking ass, good acting, an amazing story with a good point..why allow the guilty walk free?"

It would be fun trying to apply some of these quotations to other movies. Considering how vague they are, as Matt points out, it doesn't really matter. For the one I've quoted above, I'm going with Hitchcock's Juno and the Paycock and assume that one of the "2 hot Irishmen kicking ass" is a reference to Barry Fitzgerald.

[pauling]

Barry Fitzgerald, eh? I would have guessed The Wind that Shakes the Barley.

[domino harvey]

college kids love Ken Loach

[tavernier]

Which college is that?

[Andre Jurieu]

What's amazingly depressing about Facebook's Movies application is this kind of information...
20% Want To See It
80% Not Interested
0 friends have seen it
0 friends who want to see it
... and that's for the fucking Philadelphia Story!

To be fair though (as Musashi219 pointed out) those numbers are kind of a misrepresentation of the reality, considering that most people on facebook that have the application never actually bother to use it, which heavily skews the results. I'm guilty of ignoring the application for the most part, since I'm hardly even on facebook. Besides, I know most of my friends don't share my taste in movies. The one time I did wade through some of their reviews I found way too many recommendations for Saw and 300 (accompanied by a bunch of "best movie ever" quotes), which basically made me give up on the application.

I'm fairly confident that a few of your facebook friends have seen Philadelphia Story.