'Rediculous' Customer & Critic Reviews

[domino harvey]

I like his emphasis on acts and how 85% of the titles he reviews are movies he didn't finish. I'm on page 16 now, I bookmarked all 50+ pages of his reviews for later perusal though-- this guy simply hates everything except "characters I can care about" and Sandra Bullock. Snore.

[criterionsnob]

I'm not sure why this guy even watches movies, as most things seem to be a waste of his time.

His one star review of Andrei Rublev:

I don't get it. I had heard on the radio that this movie was some big-time critic's favorite film, but I found it unwatchable. Not engaging. No entry point into the movie for me. Why would someone be interested in this man riding this crude hot-air balloon in the Russian countryside, in 1880, or whenever it is? I don't see the context for the story, and I don't even see the story.

In Treatment, Season One:

Slow and dull, neither dramatic nor authentic. You'd think they'd hire writers who have been therapists or been in therapy. I have some experience, having been in psychotherapy for 13 years, with a total of six or seven therapists, and having trained as a therapist myself.

[tavernier]

I have some experience, having been in psychotherapy for 13 years, with a total of six or seven therapists

That explains a lot.

[mfunk9786]

Ever wondered why the films of Ingmar Bergman are often considered "arty" and don't achieve much mainstream success? watch this and you'll know. But do yourself a favour and read a couple of reviews as well - the ones in which it is hailed as a "gothic horror masterpiece" or, "hilarious".

I saw one in which it was called (with no irony) "semi-comic". That means, to me, "not very funny." And it isn't. The jokes are very poor indeed and revolve around busty serving wenches and conjuring tricks gone wrong: imagine Tommy Cooper in a bad Carry On film.

The supposed "horror" is lamer than anything I have ever seen: just not even slightly horrific. One review I read called it "genuinely gruesome". Well, unless Amazon are posting out heavily-edited versions, then I can only conclude that the reviewer should get out more. Or maybe a rubber hand being animated by an assistant out-of-frame really IS gruesome, and I'm the twisted one...

God, it's rubbish. Bad dialogue, hammy acting, clunky editing, dated music, stupid implausible plot. It looks nice, I'll give you that: the B&W is well-lit and atmospheric. And one of the serving wenches is pretty.

[oldsheperd]

His 3-star Bad Timing review is incredible:

"I don’t like Art Garfunkel as an actor. He’s stiff and shows no emotion ever in this movie. At the most emotional moments, his face is like a plastic mask. But I love Theresa Russell. What a bombshell. She does wonderful acting here, with great emotion and enigmatic depth. (SPOILER ALERT.) The character she plays in this movie is the kind of woman I am usually attracted to, a total nightmare—too beautiful to resist, too crazy to love. This portrait is accurate, I think. What a piece of work is this woman, to paraphrase Shakespeare. I almost turned this movie off at first, because several things didn’t make any sense to me. Why is Art Garfunkel smiling as he is taking his lady love to the hospital with a drug overdose? It doesn’t seem like a happy occasion. And the last sequence—Harvey Keitel as the cop and Garfunkel as the shrink in the woman’s room, and the cop is trying to get the shrink to confess to ravishing her. None of that works for me, especially the cop getting all weird. But the vast middle of the film, the majority, worked quite well for me. I was fascinated by the chaos this woman could bring to these men, who love her because of her beauty and because she entices them and seduces them and gives them what shrinks call intermittent reinforcement. What a madhouse she makes of their lives. In their place, I would probably do the same kinds of things. Indeed I have, sorry to say. The title could have been 'In Love With A Madwoman.'"

He's totally missing the point on Art Garfunkel. He's hard to watch as an actor because of his Jew-Fro. It's distracting.


I like how the netflix reviewer seems to have had every job at one time or another and no movie seems to make sense to him. It's like he is suffering through an existential crisis extended through cinema.

[oldsheperd]

This old guy has some great Netflix reviews

This is the weirdest thing I've ever heard: "Its hard to make a movie about something that does not happen."

[knives]

On the Social Network

I didn't like it because there was nobody to root for. Even in movies like The Godfather or even Cabin Fever, there's always at least ONE character that you want him/her to succeed. Here, I got nothing. Zuckerberg betrayed his best friend, Saverin was portrayed as being inneficient while the Facebook bussiness was booming, Sean Parker was a shallow guy who kept having sex and doing drugs and getting drunk, the Twins just wanted money and power, and both girlfriends were psycho bitches. And you know what really made me sick?: The fact that these are real people being portrayed here, people who still live to this day. It's not fair to slander a person like that. If I was a relative or a friend of any of the people being portrayed here, I'd be offended. That's what really makes me nervous: David Fincher has no right to do this to those people.

[BillWatkins]

I love rooting for Michael Corleone as he orders the murders of dozens of people, including his own brother. Zuckerberg, however, betrayed his incompetent friend in a business endeavor. That's just wrong.

[oldsheperd]

It's slander I tells ya! Let's take David Fincher to the Supreme Court!

[Tom Hagen]

Ha! I wonder who he "roots" for in The Godfather? The thoroughbred to not get decapitated? Apollonia to not get car bombed? Sal to "get off the hook, for old time's sake?"

[Minkin]

101 Things to do list attempt for 'the all time greatest films'

With pull quotes such as:

The Godfather, Part 1 (1972) – Meh
The Godfather, Part 2 (1974) – Meh, Part 2

Rear Window (1954) – As I said, Hitchcock was abit of a wanker, but I do love James Stewart in pretty much anything.

and

Jules et Jim (1962) – I’m not kidding; if I ever have to watch another French film noir I’m going to go on a violent rampage with a burnt baguette

[matrixschmatrix]

Is there any conceivable definition of 'film noir' that would include Jules and Jim?

[Mr Sausage]

Is there any conceivable definition of 'film noir' that would include Jules and Jim?

I bet he thinks film noir means black and white photography.

[matrixschmatrix]

Film noir (et blanc)

[tenia]

I'm still wondering if these types of lists are only done to be mocked, or if we can find them another use.

[Murdoch]

I think I'm a masochist, every time I see one of these lists linked I click on it.

[domino harvey]

Why does he have a picture up of the wrong Producers? Why would either film be on a Best Anything list?

[Alphonse Doinel]

Can someone tell me what an ass bandit is?

[Thomas Dukenfield]

Can someone tell me what an ass bandit is?

In the old west, it was someone that wore a black bandana over his face while he robbed a bank at gunpoint before riding away on a donkey.

In this context, it means "someone I don't care for, for reasons I am incapable of understanding and/or articulating".

That list feels like it was written by a real life version of Neil Cumpston (Patton Oswalt's alter ego on AICN) after having flunked out of film school. Minus the intentional humor of course.

Smartassery aside, Sausage is right about it being a gay slur. Personally, I prefer "ass spelunker", as it implies a certain spirit of curiosity and adventure, rather than the negative connotation of illegal malfeasance that comes with the word "bandit".

[Mr Sausage]

Ass bandit is a homophobic slur. But don't just take my word for it. Here are Frye and Laurie to clear things up.

[MichaelB]

Ass bandit is a homophobic slur. But don't just take my word for it. Here are Frye and Laurie to clear things up.

But surely they're arguing the exact opposite?

[Mr Sausage]

You make a very homosexual point.

[Alphonse Doinel]

Damn. I was hoping Hitchcock was one of these guys.

[oldsheperd]

Ass bandit is a homophobic slur. But don't just take my word for it. Here are Frye and Laurie to clear things up.

I'm not gay but I'd still consider myself an "ass-bandit." I dig a woman with a nice ass.

[swo17]

Glad we cleared that up.